Eyes Wide Open

Have you ever had a friend that, by their actions, showed you yourself? What I mean by this is your friend was like you at one stage in your life. I recently realized this. I was hanging out with a friend and she was doing things that I used to do while in a relationship a while back. I looked at her and I was like "God that was me!" I didn't say that out loud but I sure was thinking it. I then got in a bad mood because when I was like that I was not a happy, or nice person. I was mean and selfish I only wanted things to be what I wanted and if people did like that then well too bad. This is not healthy behavior. It was kind of like the "my way or the highway" kind of attitude. Well for me it was the highway. Also by looking at her actions I see why my ex broke up with me. I would have done the same thing. But that is beside the point. I also realized that she can be kinda rude. Like when we went to the mall the other day we no sooner set foot in the mall and she was making fun of these two girls...there was nothing wrong with them, but she felt the need to yell out "Anorexic!" really loud and a few times. I felt bad for the two girls and for myself, I was embarrassed. The girls were about as skinny as she is and she didn't like it when someone handed her a pamphlet on Anorexia. So what gave her grounds to yell that out to those girls? Who knows. I really think she has some self esteem issues. Well we continued our trip to the mall and I wanted to rest for a minute so I sat down and not a minute later this rather hefty guy came walking past and she was making gagging noises like she was going to puke and again I had to tell her to be nice because she wasn't being polite. I really worry sometimes about what she says about me when I am not around. I have learned not to talk about people because I have had my share of crude comments and they hurt. At about the time we were getting ready to leave we walked into Buckle and she couldn't find a bathing suit in her size, she then proceeded to talk rather loud about how all of America is fat and because we are fat it makes it hard for her to find a suit in her size. I was so upset about that comment because I am rather heavy and she was insulting me indirectly. I don't know how to talk to her about it I guess it is what it is. I just don't know. I needed to vent about it and I can't do it to the person that I should be venting to. So this is my vent!

Have you ever?

This is a blog entry about feelings. I guess random feelings, but feeling nonetheless.

Have you ever felt after meeting someone that you have known them for years, or in another life?

Well I have and it was just recently brought to my attention. I was asked one day how long I have known my "newly acquired friend" Liz and I replied, "We just met this semester, why?" Well the person asking stated that it seemed that we had known each other for a long time because we are really close and hang out ALL the time.

I was recently thinking about this when I decided to write this blog. It is strange how you feel really comfortable with someone after only a few meetings or just a few chats. Well this is how it was with Liz and me. I think the first time we ever talked was one day when I was leaving my English class and I walked past her and she said, "Hi" and waved to me. I recognized her from my Psychology class and basically from that day on she started sitting in the back row of the class with me and we hit it off like we were long lost friends from middle school or something. It was a nice feeling seeing as I was new to the school and hadn't made any friends. Since that day, about 13 weeks ago, Liz and I have been hanging out almost everyday, most days till 10 or so at night. Which is cool after a long day in school you just want to hangout and not think about homework or anything like that.

Liz calls me her BFF which is OK with me, I like having someone that I can talk to about anything and in return she can talk to me. She has also told me a few times that I am stuck with her and I have no choice around that, which is OK with me. We get along great and it really is like we have been friends for ever or maybe in a past life or something.

Well it is funny how things work in life, one day you go from losing everything to turning around the next day and having a BFF that is always going to be there for you no matter what.

It is great!!!

Order

I like to have things in order in my life, I don't like surprises. I like to know what is going to happen and that is why I always ask "what" questions because I need to know. I understand that people that I ask, "What's going on?" don't know themselves, but still just know that I need to have order in that way. I don't like being late for things or having things changed on me last minute. Some may say that I need to get over that and sometimes things happen that change other things, but I can't do it. I hate when that happens. I just needed for that to be said, because that happens a lot and I just can't take it. I guess that is what I get for not being completely independent and still have to depend on others for things. I am trying to work on it, I really am.

Registration

The time has finally come to register for classes at Harper. I am kind of excited, and by kind of I mean happy, overwhelmed, and nervous. I finally picked the classes that I want to take and some extras just in case. I have a registration appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm, I hope it goes swimmingly because I don't really want to take the placement tests again. They didn't mention anything to me about it, but the lady said that I may have to take one of them again. I guess we will see tomorrow. There is still a lot that has to be done, like buying supplies and books, paying for the classes, and then actually attending them. I think everything will be OK.

Good Luck to me!

Why?

Why is it that when you think you are doing good for a few days and are feeling happy, some random thing that you don't even notice puts you in a bad mood?

I don't know if it is my medicine not working, or what. I don't want to have to change medicines again. I have changed so many times.

I just don't know. I don't know what to do or who to talk to about it. Maybe a doctor, but I don't have insurance yet. Maybe by joining clubs and social events that will help me get out of this lonely feeling?

I have joined a GLBT group and also a Crocheting group. Two things that are important in my life, I just hope that I can get to the meetings. I am hoping to make friends that I can hang out with outside of the groups. Only god knows how bad I need friends. I don't have any other than the family I have here.

I don't know if I can wait until school starts to make friends. I am hoping to make some with these new groups

I just have no clue, and I hate feeling this way, even with my medicine.

Man, I just don't know what to do!!!!

Done Chasing

I have come to the realization that I am here for everyone's disposal, I am always available when they need to talk or vent or bitch about stupid stuff. I know that I am going to be going to school for psychology and I am going to be a counselor some day. But what I also know is I will be getting paid to do that, right now I need to live my life and have me time to do the things that I want to do for ME.

One thing that I am doing for me is going back to school, that is a big thing for me. I need to go back to school and I am finally going to be doing that in a few months. I am really excited about that and I can't wait. That way I will have something to focus my time and I won't be bored, as I am all the time.

Another things that I am finally getting to do for myself is crochet a blanket, I have never made anything for myself, everything has been made for my friends and family. Not that I don't love doing it, I just needed a break from that and do something for me, that doesn't have a time frame and also that won't be criticized by anyone but me. I am happy with it so far and I hope that I can get it done before I start school.

I am tired of being the only person my friends call when they need something, or they need to bitch about stupid stuff. I know it is because I listen but when is it going to be my turn to call them and bitch about something and they ACTUALLY listen. I feel that this is just a ONE WAY street and I am going the wrong way. I need to make a U-turn and got back in the right direction. No more of this going backwards and letting people walk all over me. It is time for a new Amanda. An Amanda that doesn't take anything from anyone, and speaks what is on her mind, whether or not people like it. I'm tired of being the nice respectable one, that everyone can take advantage of. That is not going to happen anymore. I'm putting my foot down.


THE TIME HAS COME FOR A NEW AMANDA!

Damn Yankees

On Sunday, my aunt and I went with a friend of hers to see Damn Yankees. I have only seen two plays in my life, the first one was A Christmas Carol, about 3 years ago. I think that out of the two, Damn Yankees was the better one.

Now while talking to my aunt on the way home from the play she told me that there are a few things that make up a play, not just the actors and whether it was good or not. She told me there is set design, costumes, dancing, music/singing, the actors/actresses, and that storyline itself. I am going to tell you what I think of them individually.

First there is the set design, because that is the first thing you see when you sit down and get ready to watch the play. This set design was unlike any that I have seen, they had different parts hid behind others and things sliding into place. It was pretty amazing. Not like any high school play I saw being put together. The painting on these set pieces was pretty cool as well. The living room set looked like a living room, as did the locker room. The props went along with everything as well and in the living room they had a "pretend" television and it looked like the real thing. Also the way everything was designed made you really feel like you were back in the 1950's, truly incredible.

Next there is music/singing, the band that started before anyone came out was really talented. Some of the tunes they were playing I had heard before, so that was pretty cool. After the band played for a few minutes, a few of the characters came out to sing the National Anthem, we all stood and sang with them, that too was pretty neat. All the actors sang really well, with the exception of one of the guys that played Smokey, only because I think that he was the one guy that sang the soprano part in the song "We've Got Heart". It was just awkward for me, I mean that is how it was supposed to sound but coming from him, a little odd. Other than that everyone fit the character they were meant to play, and vocally they were great.

Now for the costumes, they really looked like there were out of the 1950's as well. The uniforms for the Senators really looked like something that the team would have worn back in the 50s. The men looked sharp, when dressed up and the women looked fancy all the time. Even the "bat girls" looked cute.

Aside from the music and singing, the dancing was just as good. Everything was choreographed just right, and all the dancers were fantastic. My favorite dancers were, the baseball players, the bat girls, and Lola. They danced with passion, and you could tell they were enjoying every minute of the dances.

The actors and actresses we wonderful, I did have my favorites. I loved Jeff Diebold, who played young Joe Hardy. I also liked Amy Dolan, who played Meg Boyd. They were the main characters that I liked. I also liked a few of the baseball players like, Mike Miserendino who played Henry and Jon Landvick who played Smokey. Other characters I liked was Applegate played by David Kovac, Gloria Thorpe played by Lucinda Johnston and last but not least Van Buren played by David Elliot.

Lastly, the storyline. I thought it was a great story about the underdogs of baseball who get a miracle that pulls them out of a slump. It was all put together fantastically. The parts were cast to the right people that fit the parts. Overall it was the better of the two plays that I have seen.

If you're looking for a good play/musical I strongly recommend Damn Yankees.