Why?

Why is it that when you think you are doing good for a few days and are feeling happy, some random thing that you don't even notice puts you in a bad mood?

I don't know if it is my medicine not working, or what. I don't want to have to change medicines again. I have changed so many times.

I just don't know. I don't know what to do or who to talk to about it. Maybe a doctor, but I don't have insurance yet. Maybe by joining clubs and social events that will help me get out of this lonely feeling?

I have joined a GLBT group and also a Crocheting group. Two things that are important in my life, I just hope that I can get to the meetings. I am hoping to make friends that I can hang out with outside of the groups. Only god knows how bad I need friends. I don't have any other than the family I have here.

I don't know if I can wait until school starts to make friends. I am hoping to make some with these new groups

I just have no clue, and I hate feeling this way, even with my medicine.

Man, I just don't know what to do!!!!

Done Chasing

I have come to the realization that I am here for everyone's disposal, I am always available when they need to talk or vent or bitch about stupid stuff. I know that I am going to be going to school for psychology and I am going to be a counselor some day. But what I also know is I will be getting paid to do that, right now I need to live my life and have me time to do the things that I want to do for ME.

One thing that I am doing for me is going back to school, that is a big thing for me. I need to go back to school and I am finally going to be doing that in a few months. I am really excited about that and I can't wait. That way I will have something to focus my time and I won't be bored, as I am all the time.

Another things that I am finally getting to do for myself is crochet a blanket, I have never made anything for myself, everything has been made for my friends and family. Not that I don't love doing it, I just needed a break from that and do something for me, that doesn't have a time frame and also that won't be criticized by anyone but me. I am happy with it so far and I hope that I can get it done before I start school.

I am tired of being the only person my friends call when they need something, or they need to bitch about stupid stuff. I know it is because I listen but when is it going to be my turn to call them and bitch about something and they ACTUALLY listen. I feel that this is just a ONE WAY street and I am going the wrong way. I need to make a U-turn and got back in the right direction. No more of this going backwards and letting people walk all over me. It is time for a new Amanda. An Amanda that doesn't take anything from anyone, and speaks what is on her mind, whether or not people like it. I'm tired of being the nice respectable one, that everyone can take advantage of. That is not going to happen anymore. I'm putting my foot down.


THE TIME HAS COME FOR A NEW AMANDA!